Is there anything more annoying than a person on their birthday? They’re so entitled. Like everyone owes them special treatment and expensive gifts. I hate having to take time away from my busy schedule to attend their boring birthday parties too.

I hate birthdays, minus my own, and I think if all of us started destroying people’s birthdays we could get people to start hating their own birthdays and maybe nobody would want to celebrate these irritating days anymore.

Now let’s get down to how to destroy someone’s birthday!

Step 1:

Never say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” Don’t text it the morning of their birthday, don’t say it when you arrive at their birthday party. This makes the birthday boy or girl feel neglected and starts to destroy their day.

In fact, instead of saying “happy birthday!” say “you look old for your age” instead! This will make them feel horrible, which is exactly what we want.

Step 2:

Arrive to the birthday party late. This will disrupt the flow of the festivities and irritate everyone. Plus, it takes the focus off the birthday boy or girl and puts it onto you, which is good because you are stealing their attention on their most special day.

Step 3:

Give them a lame gift!

I like to wrap a single rubber band in a box.

Act excited for their gift as they unwrap it. Say, when they’re holding it up: “Everyone needs a rubber band at some point! You can put it around a rolled-up poster to secure it or something!”

Tell them that you actually have another gift for them, but you want to give it to them later, in private.

Rubber bands make for great birthday gifts

Step 4:

Secretly add Visine eye drops to everyone’s beverages. Visine quickly creates explosive diarrhea. All the party guests will be fighting to get into the bathroom and not all will. People will be crapping their pants (and dresses) and it’ll be a big ol’ smelly, disgusting mess. Chaos will ensue. It’ll be so funny too!

Drops of Visine added to beverages will create explosive diarrhea

Step 5:

Use the chaos of everyone having simultaneous diarrhea to find the birthday boy’s or girl’s beloved pet. It’ll likely be a dog or cat, but maybe something more unusual like a parrot or a guinea pig. Quickly slit the animal’s throat and then start shrieking “Oh my god! Somebody slit Snoopy’s throat!”

Pull the sobbing birthday boy or girl away from the animal carcass and say, “it’s time for your special second birthday gift.”

Lead them to a private room and shut the door.

Step 6:

Say “I got your birthday present RIGHT HERE” and then lewdly grab your crotch, tear their clothes off and have nonconsensual sex with them.

Leave them there and hurriedly run outside.

Step 7:

Grab the can of gas you’ve filled from your trunk and douse their home with the gas. Now drop a lit match on the gas and ignite their dwelling into a raging inferno. As burning and screaming birthday party goers flee the house, pull your pistol from your waist band and start shooting them. Aim for their heads so you get kill shots so they can’t testify against you if you later get arrested and must go to court.

Step 8:

As the flames die down, enter the home and look for survivors. Use the knife you used to kill the pet to slit their throats.

Once everyone is dead, return to the room where you left the birthday boy or girl.

Hopefully, they’re still burned up good but still living. Have nonconsensual sex with them again.

Then break out your phone and start taking photos of them. Say stuff like “let’s get some photos of the special birthday person! I want us to remember this day forever!”

Step 9:

Walk them to the backyard and hand them a shovel. Instruct them to dig their own grave (three or four feet should be plenty deep). Then have them lie down and quickly shovel dirt over them. They’ll slowly suffocate as you bury them alive.

And that’s it, folks! That’s how you destroy somebody’s birthday!

Word of what happened will travel and people will start to worry this could happen to them on their birthdays and people will begin to not want to celebrate or even acknowledge their annoying birthdays!

Anyhoo, I hope you learned a lot from this article, and I wish you a great rest of your day!