Obesity is the hot new craze in The United States of America with around 75% of Americans being happily overweight or obese. Everyone wants to be fat yet there are still 25% of we pitifully skinny Americans getting left behind in the crumbs
Why do people want to become obese?
Reason #1:
It looks good! Humans look better when they are plump with many sexy curves and fat rolls.
Reason #2:
It means you are getting plenty of food! If you are really skinny, that means you likely can’t afford food, you have to go without. Being obese tells the world you are rich and happy because you have lots of food. Being obese is a sign of high monetary status.
Reason #3:
Less cold. With that extra insulation you will stay warmer in the winter. No extra clothing layers needed because you have a huge layer of fat insulating you!
Reason #4:
Self-defense. If some hooligan attacks you, his blows will be blunted by your fat. If you fall over, the fat will also soften the fall so it does not hurt as much.
Reason #5:
You will become smarter.
Did you know that the bigger your body grows, the bigger your brain grows? You can gain intelligence as you put on those wanted pounds because your brain is getting bigger and, therefore, smarter. Now, let me be honest because honesty is my policy, I do not know if the brain actually gets larger as the body grows larger. It just seems like it’s something that’s totally possible so I’m just going to say it is, but I haven’t done the scientific study—the measurements—to see if this is actually true, but let’s just say it is a fact because it might be a fact!
Reason #7:
You will not starve as fast if famine comes. Skinny folks will rapidly starve to death in a famine, but you are a big warehouse of fat storage. Your big body can live off your fat reserves for months while the skinnies die off in weeks if not days.
Reason #8
Conversation starter! Everyone will ask you how you got so fabulously obese, and you will be able to openly brag to them how hard you worked to get so large. And is not bragging one of life’s greatest joys? I think so!
Obese woman being admired for her obesity
But I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. You have tried to put on weight, but nothing has worked. Don’t pull out a pistol and put the barrel to your temple and pull the trigger blowing your bloody brains all over the white wall just yet, because I’m going to show you how you too can achieve your dream of becoming obese.
First things first:
Visualization:
See yourself as obese. See yourself joyfully fitting in with other oversized people. See yourself looking into a mirror to see the smile on your face. Look down, see those beautiful and growing fat rolls. See your protruding gut. It’s so big! It looks like you’re pregnant! Turn around and look at your enormous butt (use the mirror if you can’t turn that far). You are no longer a skinny outsider. You are in with the in crowd! In with the majority!
Visualizing what you want is the first step to achieving any goal. Let me say it one more time to help you commit it to memory. Visualizing what you want is the first step to achieving any goal.
Using visualization to achieve obesity
Strategically Eliminate All Movement
Moving burns calories and you want to burn as few as possible, so you store fat. You need a motorized wheelchair when you are out on the town. When inside your dwelling, I recommend just lying on your bed and sofa and watching TV or reading my blog and watching my videos all day. Hire a nanny to cater to your needs like bringing you food, emptying your bed pan, wiping your rectum, giving you sponge baths, mashing your food so you don’t burn calories chewing it, etc.
Create Lots of Anxiety in Your Life
Anxiety produces a stress hormone called cortisol. Here is how to pronounce that word in case you might want to say it out loud: kawr-tuh-sawl.
Chronically high cortisol levels can do this stuff:
A: Increase appetite, especially for high-calorie, sugary, and fatty foods.
B: Promote fat storage, particularly in the belly area.
C: Slow metabolism over time, making it easier to gain weight.
So, you’re probably wondering: How do I get anxiety?
I know, it’s hard. I do not really feel any emotions so it’s harder for me. It might look like I feel feelings, but I am just acting.
This could really be the topic for another blog entry, but I will give you three quick ideas.
Idea #1: Firmly choose left or right on the political spectrum and then watch news that supports your new pollical ideology.
Your chosen side will fear monger to you about your political opposition so heavily it will produce a continuous source of anxiety. Constantly watch, read and listen to political news and commentary SIMULATANEOUSLY and you will get a nonstop river of anxiety rushing right into you.
Idea #2: Try to negatively read everyone’s minds.
Make sure to think that all your friends and family secretly hate you and want you dead. That they are always thinking negative thoughts about you. Even if they tell you they love you, know that it is a lie. They hate you and secretly want to poison your Mountain Dew with arsenic, so you die, and they never have to look at you again. This paranoia will create severe anxiety.
Idea #3: Stop sleeping.
You can’t totally stop sleeping, but you can reduce it enough to where you start to develop major anxiety which will help you put on sightly fat.
You can also start using meth or DRUG BALLS to aid in sleep deprivation and anxiety-production.
Okay, so here’s the ‘SECRET SAUCE’ TO BECOMING OBESE
You Have to Eat A LOT. I mean, A LOT.
This means 10-12 meals per day with continuous snacking, and you cannot, I repeat, you CANNOT eat anything HEALTHY. Don’t be eating a head of lettuce or an apple or nothing.
Let me give you an example meal:
A burger patty wrapped in fried chicken skin. Then put that between white hamburger buns and pour catsup all over it.
A triple-layer grilled cheese lasagna – Eat the whole thing.
An entire deep-dish pizza, extra-large.
A side of deep-fried mashed potatoes, injected with sour cream and melted butter.
A 64-ounce soda (or a blender full of milkshake).
For dessert:
A box of donuts
A gallon of ice cream
A bowl of tasty, gooey gumdrops
Sometimes I like to drink a milkshake and eat a bowl of ice cream at the same time. It’s so nummy!
You then need to constantly be snacking. That means chips, candy bars, ice cream and guzzling soda pop.
If you’re sleeping and you shouldn’t be, set your alarm to wake you up every hour to stuff your fat face with candy bars and potato chips.
Basically, have a SEE FOOD diet. You SEE food and you eat it! Get my joke? I’m playing off sea/see. Lol!
Replace water with milkshakes!
If you’re worried you’ll die without water, don’t! Your soda pops have plenty of water in them!
You Have Concerns, I’m Here to Put Those Concerns to Bed
Being fat is expensive!
Now, it is true, maintaining obesity can be expensive. Due to inflation, food prices have gotten even more expensive so you could set up a Go Fund Me and tell people you’re trying to become obese and accept donations. Most people really are kindhearted and will gladly donate a few bucks to a good cause and your quest to become obese is a good cause.
Obesity reduces life expectancy.
Not true! Okay, it is true, but who cares? I’d gladly lose a decade or two decades off my life to be obese.
Joint pain
This is also factual, weight will put more stress on your joints like your knees and cause you potentially excruciating pain, but don’t worry, because you can take pain pills to neutralize the pain! Science has thought of everything, hasn’t it!?
Obese woman taking pain pill to eliminate joint pain
Must Constantly Be Buying New Clothes
This is also true. As you grow bigger and bigger and bigger you must constantly buy new clothes. Elastic is your new buddy! Get sweatpants with an elastic band and you can wear the same pants that will stretch as you climb the size ladder.
Also, just buy cheap clothes from Walmart or a thrift store so your clothes do not cost as much. Problem solved!
Elastic is your good buddy
In conclusion, becoming obese is not that complicated. If you work hard and follow my easy-to-follow tips, you can absolutely do it. Yes, you can!
I thank you, dear pupils, for reading this blog entry and I hope you learned a whole bunch. Take care now.
