Crying is gay. Crying makes you look weak. Crying makes you look like a big flappy vagina. I don’t care if the so-called experts say crying is good for you. Maybe it actually is. But so what? Crying is for sissies, for little girls.

I can help you stop crying with a few simple tips.

Tip 1: Identify the Source of the Problem and Change It

Are you crying because of a breakup? A job loss? Cuz you fell running and bruised your delicate little ribs on a rock?

If it is a breakup, tell yourself you’ll find a HOTTER chick or a HANDSOMER man.

Job loss? Tell yourself losing this job is a blessing in disguise cuz you’ll find a new job with better pay or maybe you’ll finally get off your ass and start your own business and be your own boss.

If you bruised your ribs running, tell yourself in a couple of weeks you’ll be recovered. No need to cry about something when your body repairs it in a couple short weeks anyway!

See how I saw the positive in negative situations and now the situations are actually positive and not worth crying over?

Tip 2: Think About Starving Africans

Have you seen those photos of starving African children with bloated bellies and flies crawling around their faces? Whenever you are crying, just conjure up an image of a starving African child in your mind’s eye and you will stop crying because you could have it much worse. You could be one of those pitiful starving African children who looks nine months pregnant. No matter how bad your life is right now, it can never be as bad as a starving African child’s life.

Grotesque starving African child with bloated belly and flies swarming around him

Tip 3: Make Someone Else Cry

If you catch yourself crying, physically attack somebody nearby until they’re crying and then make fun of them for crying.

It is hard to cry when you’re angrily beating the crud out of somebody else and you also won’t be crying when you’re too busy laughing at them for crying.

Or you know, you could just insult someone and make them cry. Find, like, I don’t know, a bodybuilder and tell him he has a near perfect physique, but his calves are too small, really small. That’ll wound his confidence and most likely make him cry and then you can laugh at him.

Again, it’s hard to cry when you’re laughing at somebody else for crying.

Tip 4: The Mirror Method

Find a mirror and make fun of your crying face. Call yourself gay, a little retarded girl who lost her daddy to AIDS, a whiny little pancake, whatever it takes.

Just relentlessly mock yourself (be your own bully) for crying until your tears halt.

The author using The Mirror Method to stop his crying

Tip 5: Quit Drinking Water

What are tears anyway? They’re WATER, H20. If you starve the body of water, you create a tear drought. Now, I know, the body needs water otherwise so instead of stopping totally, just drink enough so the body can do the basics with no extra for tears.

When you feel yourself starting to cry the body will say “Sorry, I have no extra water for this.”

Tip 6: Use A Blow Dryer

If you find yourself crying, plug in a blow dryer, crank it to HIGH and start aggressively drying those tears. Blow that hot air right into your tear ducts so the tears are evaporated before they can even reach their exits and embarrassingly run down your face.

Man using blow dryer to dry tears

Tip 7: Tear Duct Removal

Have a doctor surgically remove your tear ducts so crying becomes an impossibility. I doubt this is a common procedure but just find a surgeon and ask him to do it. He probably will. Tell him there will be a fat tip on top of his regular fee to sweeten the deal if he is initially resistant. And then, when the surgery is complete, give him a life tip instead of a monetary tip. You can even give him a tip to stop crying: “Have your tear ducts removed.”

Anyway, I think that is enough tips to help you stop crying. One of them is bound to work.

I thank you for reading this article and I wish you a blessed day.

Update:  After I published this article, a reader wrote in with a testimonial so I’m adding it as a little add-on.

“Pink Face, I just wanted to write and tell you that I had a real problem with crying. Like I was crying every day over just about anything and everything, but Tip 7: Tear Duct Removal in your expert article ended my embarrassing nightmare of daily crying. I thank you for your tutelage, Pink Face. You have changed my life for the better!” – Thomas Hunter

Reply from Pink Face: “You’re most welcome, Thomas! Thanks for writing!”